Realisation
You hear people all the time, talking about losing weight. "I'm seriously going to lose weight." "This year is going to be different." "I hate how fat I am, I'm never going to eat again." I hear this all the time, admittedly I have myself said all of these things, even when I wasn't overweight.
About two years ago I was sixteen and at a happy weight, it's sad to think that people from such a young age worry about their weight, but for me it was a huge thing, I was always bullied for being fat, but the fact was I wasn't particularly large or particularly skinny either and I shouldn't have cared what other people thought. I led to me doing things to change myself that I should never have done, but know that now. But it is ridiculous how many very young girls (I mean like 12 years of age) I see at the gym.
Anyway, it was two years ago that I met my boyfriend. Being with him hasn't been the easiest of rides and I'm absolutely positive it's not going to ever be a piece of cake. But either way, I got comfortable, as most women do. I stopped taking care of myself, I slept irregularly, I ate and drank so much junk food and I did not exercise, besides the 30 minute walk to college and back every day. I put on weight. In the last two years I have gone from 12 stone to 14 stone. It doesn't seem like a lot, but it dramatically shows. I went from size 12 to now being an 18.
I have told myself so many times that I will lose weight, I will do something about it. I even tried to do a crazy 7 day water diet but after two days ended up stuffing my face with massive amounts of junk food and feeling like utter rubbish afterwards.
My main problem to being able to lose weight, like many others is that I have no motivation, all I ever do is make excuses for myself as to why I can't go for a run today or why I deserve some crisps rather than an apple. I did at one point become very healthy for about two weeks. I did calorie counting, only having an intake of 800 calories a day and running 1.5 miles every day. I felt so much better and healthier, but my motivation to carry on was immediately diminished when I stepped on my scales after a week and realised that I had gained two kilo's.
When you have a setback such as this you give up all hope and since then I've not been controlling my eating and I have been going for a run maybe once a week. I needed to find a way to motivate myself more.
I think the main problem people have when trying to lose weight is that they step on the scales every day and expect this massive change and I've come to realise that it just doesn't work like that and if I really want to lose weight, I will do something about it. I realised that getting to my goal weight (65kg) could take years, but I am willing to do it.
I kept telling myself, "I'll do it next week", "I'll start on Monday". But it just didn't happen. I am very scared of becoming so big that it is bad for my health, because yes there is a lot of positive reinforcement out their for plus-sized women to love themselves, but in my opinion it's not necessarily a good thing, it's a bad lifestyle that we shouldn't support, neither should we be supporting women to be stick-thin as that may be an even worse lifestyle. I think family and friends at some point need to step in and say "hey, you've gained a quite a bit of weight and I'm worried about you", yes of course the person is going to be upset with you at first, but in the long run, they may really appreciate that from you.
I am so glad my partner stepped in when he has and he has openly admitted himself to have gaining a bit of weight too and he has agreed with me to live a healthier lifestyle. If he hadn't had help me realise how bad it is getting it may have gone too far and then I wouldn't feel like I was able to change. I find it hard now, when I'm running down the street and some little brat shouts "run fatty fun!" at me and I come home feeling as though I'll never go out in public again.
Insults like this are paradox, because they want fat people to lose weight, but then ridicule them when they try and if you're like me, you'll probably want to go home and eat as I am a huge comfort eater.
Anyway, I have made a decision to be healthier, not to lose weight, but so that I feel better about myself and my life, so I have more confidence and am happier.
It was the weirdest thing that has made me make this final decision. You see, a few days ago I got ill, I was feeling like I was going to throw up, I had hot and cold flushes and I had the worst most horrible stomach ache that I have ever had. I had no idea where this had come from, until it felt better a few days later and I ate a couple of pringles and instantly the stomach cramps came back. I drank and sip of energy drink and I thought I was going to throw up. I realised that if even my body is fully rejecting these foods then there must be something wrong and I am seriously going to have to change.
So, as of today, I promise to be as healthy as I possibly can and I aim to at some point become my goal weight. It's time to make a change.
